Caroline Nikiel
MSW RSW · 11 years, hospital practice
A particular focus on partners. Eleven years.
Openings this week
What we help with / Partner support
You're allowed to be struggling too.
Therapy for the non-carrying partner, through fertility treatment, pregnancy, loss and the first year. Your own hour, with someone who is not also treating your partner. Virtual across Ontario, or in person in Toronto.
What partner support is, and who it is for
Partner support is individual therapy for the person who is not carrying the pregnancy, or not the one in treatment. Partners of any gender, in any kind of relationship, including those building a family through donor conception, surrogacy or adoption.
It exists because the support around fertility, pregnancy and the postpartum period is built almost entirely around one person, and the other one is usually handed a role: be steady, be the driver, be the one holding it together. That role has a cost, and there is rarely anywhere to put it. Postpartum depression and anxiety affect non-carrying partners too, at a rate most people are never told about, and it tends to show up as irritability, withdrawal or working late rather than as sadness.
Sessions are 50 minutes, $175 to $200 depending on the therapist, with a free 15 minute consultation first. If what you need is to talk together rather than separately, that is couples therapy, and either of you can book it.
You might recognize this
Things we often hear in a first session
"It's not happening to me, so I don't think I get to be upset."
"I'm the one who has to stay calm, so I never put it down."
"I watched something awful happen and nobody has asked me about it since."
"Everyone asks how she is. Nobody asks how I am."
"I don't know how to help, and whatever I try seems to be wrong."
"We lost the pregnancy too. I'm not sure I'm allowed to say that."
"I went back to work after a week and I haven't stopped since."
"I feel like a bystander in my own family."
There is a particular kind of grief and fear that comes with watching, rather than undergoing. It has no obvious claim on anyone's attention, including your own, so it usually goes unspoken until it comes out sideways, as anger, distance, or a sudden urge to be anywhere else. Naming it is not taking attention away from your partner. It is usually what makes you more available to them, not less.
Birth trauma is also not limited to the person giving birth. If you were in the room when something went wrong, or you were the one making decisions while frightened, that can sit in the body in the same way, and it responds to the same treatment.
This is also better documented than most partners realize. Around 15 to 20 percent of partners report significant symptoms of depression after a pregnancy loss, and where one person has postpartum depression, estimates of depression in the other partner run from roughly a quarter to a half. Your feelings are not a side issue, and getting support early tends to prevent the longer-term version of this.
What the work looks like
Your own hour, not a supporting role in someone else's.
What we do
- Give you somewhere to say the parts you are editing out at home
- Work on what you saw, if you were present for a loss, a difficult birth or a medical emergency
- Look at the pattern of coping by doing, and what it costs when the doing never stops
- Help you tell the difference between supporting your partner and disappearing
- Talk about the anger, the resentment and the boredom that nobody warns partners about
- Work out what to say to family, employers and friends who only ask about your partner
What we don't do
- Treat you as a support worker for someone else's treatment plan
- Report back to your partner, or to their therapist
- Rank your grief against theirs
- Assume what your role in the family is, or should be
- Require a diagnosis, or a crisis, before you are allowed to come
When to come
Most partners wait far longer than they need to.
There is no threshold you have to reach first. If any of these are true, that is reason enough to book the consultation.
- You are finding it hard to process your own grief while supporting your partner
- The medical decisions and procedures have started to feel overwhelming
- Something has shifted in how the two of you relate to each other
- You are anxious about what happens next
- You have pulled away from friends and family
- You do not know how to support your partner, and everything you try seems wrong
- You are noticing your own symptoms of depression or anxiety
- Conversations between you have become difficult or stopped
- Work, family and caring for your partner no longer fit into the same week
- Family members who do not understand what is happening are adding to it
Depending on what you bring, the work might draw on CBT for the stress and the thought patterns, mindfulness for staying present rather than braced, relational or emotionally focused work on what has changed between you, or acceptance and commitment therapy where the question is how to act on what you both actually want. Your therapist will tell you which, and why.
Who works with this
All seven of our therapists work with partners. Pick whoever you'd rather talk to.
Kate Bailey
MSW RSW · EMDR and trauma
Birth trauma, including what partners witnessed.
Openings this week
Ruth Diemer
MSW RSW · 30 years
Thirty years with couples and families. Grief and parenting.
Openings this week
Alana Jackson
MSW RSW · 20 years, including Mount Sinai
Supportive partner care, with honesty and a little humour.
Waitlist, about 3 weeks
Emilie Ballarino
MSW RSW, MBA · 10 years
Practical tools for work stress, blended families and transitions.
Openings this week
Mila Arsenijevic
MSW RSW · Founder, 18 years, including 10 at Mount Sinai
Communication, resentment and high-functioning burnout.
Openings this week
Annie Peralty
RP · Fertility, loss and surrogacy
Partners through fertility treatment and donor conception.
Openings this week
Before you book
Questions partners ask us.
Can I see someone here if my partner is already a client?
Yes, with a different therapist. You would each have your own therapist and your own confidential file. Nothing you say is shared with your partner's therapist, and nothing of theirs is shared with yours, unless you both give written consent for the two to speak.
Is this couples therapy?
No. This is your own individual therapy. If what you want is to work on the relationship together, book couples therapy instead, and either of you can make the booking. Some people do both, at different points.
I'm a man, and most of this website is about women. Is this for me?
Yes. Partners of any gender see us. The reason the literature is thin is that partners are under-studied, not that they are unaffected: depression and anxiety in the year after a baby are well documented in non-birthing partners, and fathers in particular are far less likely to be screened for it or asked about it by anyone.
Nothing has actually happened to me. Do I need a reason?
No. You do not need a diagnosis, an emergency or a story that sounds serious enough. "I have been holding this for a long time and I would like to put it down for an hour" is a reason.
Is it covered by insurance?
Usually in part. Sessions with a Registered Social Worker or Registered Psychotherapist are covered by most Ontario workplace plans, and partner sessions can often be claimed under either person's coverage. We direct bill through Sun Life and TELUS eClaims, and provide receipts for all other insurers. Ask us when you book.
Somebody should ask how you are.
You have probably spent months answering that question on your partner's behalf. Fifteen minutes, free, and no pressure to book anything after.
